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For Dummies is a registered trademark of Wiley Publishing, Inc. in the United States and other countries. Used here by license.Plotting a New, Improved Course of ActionIf you’re the Queen of England, you have pretty high expectations. Your tiara needs to sparkle, your palaces need to be spotless, and high tea had better include those little cucumber sandwiches.
If you’re a regular person, however, you’re probably happy if your partner cooks breakfast or your dog fetches the paper. And if the next-door neighbor drops off a batch of homemade cookies, you’re in heaven.
What’s our point? That people base much of their happiness on what they expect from life. You don’t expect dozens of servants to wait on you hand-and-foot, so you’re perfectly happy without them. The queen, however, would be mighty unhappy if she had to scrub your toilet and water your ficus.
Babies and toddlers, just like grownups, are happy when life meets their expectations. But right now, that’s a problem for you because your child expects you to appear on demand at any hour of the night. As a result, he’ll be as mad as a queen with a tarnished tiara if you don’t show your face on schedule.
To tweak his royal stance, you need to change his expectation — but it isn’t likely to change until you take the first step, by changing yours.
Before your munchkin can change her expectations, you need to change two of your own. First, expect her to take charge of the issue at hand: her. Second, expect her to put up a fuss when you ask her to do this. Be prepared to react (or not, as the case may be) to this resistance.
You can help change your expectations by keeping these facts in mind:
You and your tot have different jobs. Your sweetie’s job is to demand lots of stuff because that’s how she figures out what’s reasonable and what isn’t. Your job, in turn, is to set limits so she can figure out the rules of life.
For instance, if she says, “I want an elephant,” your job isn’t to rush out and get her one. Your job is to explain why she’s not getting one.
To maintain a healthy lifestyle, both you and your child need regular, uninterrupted sleep. A good night’s sleep is important for your whole household, and your tot will still love you every bit as much when you stop popping out of bed at all hours to entertain her. When you recognize these truths, you’re halfway down the road to a solid sleep solution. At this point you’re ready to gently and lovingly teach your child a brand-new expectation: I’m not going to get lots of attention if I squawk when I wake up, so I’ll just happily go back to sleep on my own. Period.
Giving in has a big downside. When you cave in and satisfy an unreasonable demand, your child’s first thought is something like, “Wow! I got Mommy and Daddy to give me a bottle when I didn’t need it!” But her next thought is something like, “Hmm . . . now, how do I get a bottle twice a night? How far can I push my demands before they draw the line?” And if you never set reasonable limits, she’s likely to start worrying, “Uhoh — how can I feel safe if Mommy and Daddy don’t really respond to my pushing the limits?”
Many families have at least one tot who simply refuses to sleep through the night. This is the tyke who figures out how to keep the rest of the family members popping up like prairie dogs all night long for months, even years.
Often, the mommies and daddies in these families are skilled negotiators — lawyers, sales people, or even CEOs who negotiate for a living. Yet every night, these parents get outmaneuvered by a tiny being. How is this possible?
The answer is that even very young babies negotiate — and often they drive hard bargains! Most people think of negotiation as a tough adults-only event, like union bosses sitting at a table with corporate lawyers or company administrators discussing big mergers. But negotiation is simply a situation in which two people want different outcomes; they interact to see how it’ll turn out.
In your case, negotiation occurs whenever your baby wants something different than you do at bedtime. At the outset, you’re in opposing corners: Your baby wants to be awake with you, and you want to sleep all night. Only a negotiation can settle the difference.
Right now, your baby is winning that negotiation hands down because he’s using his one big tool: screaming. If you think about it, that’s all he has to throw at the situation. He can’t e-mail you, write a letter, call you on the phone, talk it over, or even pay you to come see him at 2 a.m. But then, he doesn’t need to, does he?
As long as you go to your tot each time he opens his mouth and yells, you lose at the parent-child negotiation game. The instant you realize that you hold the moral high ground (because a good night’s sleep is beneficial for both of you), you can stop investing so much power in your tyke’s strategy and start setting your own terms.
If a single blueprint could solve every tot’s sleep problems, this article would be a page long. However, because each child is unique, you need to take your tot’s personality — in addition to her age and development — into account. These factors, as well as your own unique style, play a big role in planning your approach to the bedtime negotiations.
In addition, your bedtime strategy needs to make allowances for a host of special circumstances that can influence your expectations of your little sweetie. Among them:
A 4-month-old premature baby can’t snooze through the night, and a tot with asthma can’t doze peacefully if she’s wheezing.
A little darling who’s coping with a big life-change like a new sibling or her parents’ divorce has more trouble sleeping than a tot whose life is on an even keel. As a result, she needs a little special handling.
If you’re co-sleeping with your tot, you need to handle the big switch when your sweetie heads off to her own bed.
Potty-training adds a new twist to the bedtime story, and you need a strategy for making a good night’s sleep and dry pants a reality.
Is your sweetie a sleepwalker or sleep-talker? Does she experience those bizarre episodes called sleep terrors? If so, you need to know why these events occur and what you should and shouldn’t do about them.
If your little cub is starting day care or preschool soon, you can expect some sleep setbacks.
Sleep routines get even more complicated when you have more than one child because each tyke comes with her own set of needs, wants, and personality quirks — and if the sibs are twins or triplets, you really have your hands full!
Trading Up: From Guilt To Self-Confidence
Ready to say “Goodbye” to sleepless nights and “Hello” to sweet dreams? If so, it’s time to get in the right frame of mind for the challenge ahead. Here are two more key pieces to put in place before you start.
Still feeling a twinge of guilt about expecting your tot to sleep through the night? If so, you’re only human. (In fact, if you’re not feeling guilty about something on a regular basis, you’re not yet a parent!)
Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m doing this for my own sake because I’m so tired of getting up.” And of course, that’s true — you have needs, and one of them is sleep! In truth, however, you’re really taking this step for your child because
This is the first big solution he gets to come up with in his little life.
When he figures out how to comfort himself to sleep and stay in his own bed all night long, he gets a big shot of confidence.
This self-assurance makes future steps toward independence (staying with a babysitter, using the potty, and so on) much easier for him to master.
When your sweetie sleeps long and soundly, he’s rested and ready to face the day.
Even more important, your child needs you to be well-rested! Just think of all the jobs you do and why you can do them better when you’re not droopy and baggy-eyed:
You’re his personal driver. Not surprisingly, a rested driver is a safer driver. About 100,000 car crashes occur in the United States each year because drivers are sleepy.
You’re his best teacher. Exploring the wonderful world together is lots more fun when you’re bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
You’re the light of his life. Your baby adores you, and he needs you to stay happy and healthy. Staying well-rested helps protect you from lots of medical problems (including postpartum depression if you’re a new mom). In fact, according to an important study in Pediatrics (May 2007), moderate or severe sleep problems in infants nearly double the chance that mothers will experience severe psychological distress and poor overall health — even if they have no mental health issues before delivery. For dads, the odds of developing poor overall health go up 50 percent when infants have significant sleep problems.
As professionals, we’ve met thousands of new parents. The happiest ones are the parents who lovingly set limits on sleep and other aspects of their tots’ lives, not the ones who wearily (and then resentfully) cater to their tot’s whims.
You’re his rudder. Whether he realizes it or not, your little cherub counts on you to guide him through the sometimes choppy waters of childhood. If you don’t offer guidance at the simpler stages early on — and sleep is one — he won’t be confident that you can help him through more difficult times that are sure to come.
To keep all of your family strong, happy, and full of bounce (and to strengthen your relationship with your little one), nothing beats a good night’s sleep.
Your baby’s birth begins a lifelong dance. Sometimes she leads and you follow; other times, you need to take her firmly by the hand and show her some new steps. The trick is knowing when to lead and when to follow because your goal is to give her everything she needs while encouraging her to stand on her own two feet (or lie on her own pillow, in this case!).
Earlier generations of parents had an easier time making these decisions. For centuries, people raised their kids very much like their own parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents did. But today’s families often live hundreds of miles from their closest kin. As a result, Moms and Dads have a harder time knowing whether they’re doing the best they can for their tots.
Making sure you’re in good shape
Depression is very common, affecting up to 25 percent of all people at any one time. And it’s also one of the most common threats to feeling good as a new parent; in fact, at least 10 percent of all mothers experience postpartum depression.
Our advice? Always seek treatment for depression. In fact, as a new parent, you have an especially good reason: your baby’s well-being. A parent’s depression strongly affects a newborn, infant, or child, and in particular can result in sleep problems.
So as you prepare to tackle your tot’s sleep issues, be sure to start with this question: Do I have any signs of depression? These signs include sadness, change in appetite, loss of energy (beyond what you’d expect as a new parent), and loss of interest in life or in your baby. If you have any concerns, call your obstetrician or a qualified counselor right away. Also, see Postpartum Depression For Dummies by Shoshana S. Bennett and Mary Jo Codey (Wiley).
Stories from the crib: A declaration of independence
Latrice, a nurse with three kids under the age of 4, felt guilty about her middle child, Lamont. Lamont was only 1 year old when Latrice became pregnant with his little brother, and she felt bad that Lamont didn’t get to be the baby for long. To add to her guilt, Lamont — unlike his brothers — didn’t adjust well to childcare.
At 2 years of age, Lamont still woke up twice each night. Latrice offered him a bottle each time to get him back to sleep. She dragged through her work days and dreaded the nights, but she couldn’t break the cycle.
Finally, Latrice attended a parenting workshop where she learned to tell the difference between Lamont’s needs and his wants. She also realized that her guilt kept her trapped in an intolerable routine.
Using the strategies from the workshop, Latrice devised a sleep plan and stuck to it. First, she weaned Lamont from his middle-of-the-night bottles. Next, she stopped running to him when he cried and let him comfort himself to sleep.
A few weeks later, Latrice showed up at the parenting group and announced, “My life has changed!” Lamont was now sleeping through the night, and the newly-energized Latrice could offer him quality time in the mornings and evenings — instead of at 2 a.m.!
If your child’s lack of sleep is causing stress in your life, you’re not alone; at least one-third of all families have the same problem! We’ve counseled more than 10,000 of these families, and with very rare exceptions (usually when the tots or their parents have other, very serious life issues), the techniques we describe work like a charm.
We believe the more you know about sleep and good strategies, the more easily you can lovingly smooth your child’s path to Slumberland. So rest easy — you’re doing the right thing, and everyone (including your little night owl) will be better off!
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For Dummies is a registered trademark of Wiley Publishing, Inc. in the United States and other countries. Used here by license.