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For Dummies is a registered trademark of Wiley Publishing, Inc. in the United States and other countries. Used here by license.You’re a grownup, smart and experienced. And you have lots of skills — you can scramble an egg, ride a bicycle, and balance a checkbook. Your child, in contrast, is a little person. He’s smart too, but he really doesn’t know much yet.
So you’re probably wondering, “Why does he keep winning the bedtime battles?”
The answer is simple: Right now, your child is deciding when it’s sleepytime and when it isn’t. But the solution is also simple: You need to change the rules.
Luckily, you can accomplish this mission in a loving way that strengthens the bond between you and your sweetie. In fact, when you help him sleep on his own, you lay the groundwork for a strong, happy relationship. In this article, we tell you when and how to prepare for this big step — and, most importantly, why it’s the right one for both you and your child.
Accepting the Rules of the First Few MonthsThe whole world is new to your baby, but she enters it fully equipped for those all-important basics: eating, sleeping, peeing, and pooping. The catch, of course, is that she does these on her schedule, not yours! That’s okay when it’s peeing and pooping — but those non-stop wake-up calls in the middle of the night can leave you bleary-eyed and fuzzy-brained.
However, when your newborn hollers every few hours, she’s doing just what she’s supposed to do. In the early weeks, your baby simply isn’t ready to sleep through the night. (Yes, we know, a few tots do — but they’re the exception, not the rule.)
Your newborn needs you to wait on her each time she wakes up because she’s growing like a weed and has to eat every few hours to meet her calorie demands. Besides, her sleep cycles are too immature for her to make it through the night.
When your little angel gets past those calorie and sleep-pattern hurdles, she’s ready for an all-night snooze. Almost all children hit this mark between 4 and 6 months of age. Of course, each tot’s unique, and some reach this point a few weeks after birth — but the closer she gets to 4 months of age, the more certain you can be that your infant can sleep all night without interruption. But at that point, another question arises: Are you ready?
Getting it Straight: Trauma Versus Disappointment, Wants Versus NeedsEven though you can now pick your moment for getting your sweetie to doze through the night, one qualm may hold you back — the fear that somehow you’ll emotionally damage your little love-bug by being firm with him.
But the fact that you’re reading this means you want to handle your tyke’s sleep problems in a kind and nurturing way. So here’s good news: Helping your babe figure out how to fall asleep on his own doesn’t hurt him a bit. In fact, you’ll do him — and you — a world of good.
The first secret to raising kids is knowing the huge difference between trauma and disappointment. Yes, you’ll disappoint your sweetie when you stop letting him call the shots at bedtime — but no, he won’t be the least bit traumatized. In fact, he’ll take a giant step toward becoming a well-adjusted little person.
So what’s the big difference between trauma and disappointment? Check out the following explanations:
A trauma is a terrible event that shakes a child to the core, challenges his belief that the world is a safe place, and causes long-term emotional distress — for instance, the death of someone he loves or abandonment by the people he trusts. Traumas occur when serious needs are denied, and they cause grave harm.
Disappointments, on the other hand, are tiny clouds that pass, causing no harm at all. They’re simply unanswered desires that occur when people create expectations that can’t be fulfilled — and they’re the stuff of daily life.
Fortunately, traumas happen far less often than disappointments. Of course, everyone wants to skate through life free of both traumas and disappointments — and caring parents certainly strive to keep both to a minimum. But it’s important not to mistake minor disappointments for serious traumas because this mistake can hinder both you and your child. What’s more, it’s a common trap for parents.
Why is it so easy to make this mistake? To get an idea, picture an 8-month-old crying up a storm at 2 a.m. Because his parents weaned him from the nighttime bottle two months ago, they know he isn’t hungry. They’re also sure he isn’t sick, in pain, or simply stuck. In reality, he’s just trying to wake up Mommy and Daddy, get them out of bed, and enjoy a little snuggle. But even after they make sure nothing’s really wrong, his parents believe they’re hearing the primal scream of a child terrified by the impending trauma of parental abandonment. It’s a classic case of mistaken identity — the disappointed infant masquerading as a broken-hearted child in a life crisis.
Why does this confusion matter? Because if you think your infant is about to suffer irreparable harm, your only option is to give in. In fact, when you let this mistaken idea direct your actions, you’re unable to offer your child any guidance — now or later — for fear that lifelong damage may ensue. And this fear can leave you paralyzed by doubt and worry, making any effective course of action impossible and inevitably getting in the way of your tot’s growth and development.
What’s more, the impossible task of preventing all disappointments can leave you exhausted and resentful. You’re much smarter to show your little huggy-bear that frustrations come with all new life skills — from tying his shoes, to playing with friends, to managing a Fortune-500 company — and sleeping on a schedule is one of the very first.
So as you get ready to turn over a new leaf in your household, brace yourself for a very interesting turn of events as you put your tot in charge of his own sleep. If you hear complaints — and we’re pretty sure you will! — see them for what they are: reactions to a minor disappointment, not a major trauma. Remember, too, that this is an exciting moment. When you tell your sweetie in words and actions that he’s ready to sleep through the night, you’re demonstrating your confidence in his ability to master this first big-kid skill.
Watching your sweetie’s face scrunch up and hearing her wail when she doesn’t get what she wants can be tough, we know. But you can expect this reaction more than once when you implement your sleep strategy.
However, the key to your child’s sleep — and every other aspect of her life — is remembering that wants aren’t needs. As a parent, you make sure your child has everything she needs, but that doesn’t mean you give her everything she wants.
For the first few months of your baby’s life, you can easily distinguish her wants from her needs — because she needs you for everything! Somewhere around that 4- to 6-month mark, however, she doesn’t need you as much as you think.
With each passing month, your little one is able to do more, understand more, and be more independent. However, she’s also accustomed to being with you — her 24-hour on-call buddy — and she’s not going to give up that arrangement easily.
Like a kid in a candy store, your tot has trouble knowing the difference between what she wants from you and what she needs from you. And as a loving, nurturing, and very tired parent, you don’t always know the difference either. But if you can make this distinction between wants and needs and make it early in the game, your life and your child’s can be happier.
Of course, older kids’ wants and needs are easier to sort out than babies’ and toddlers’. But making the distinction is key to your sleep strategy. To help you tell the difference, here’s a quick rundown of your little one’s needs versus her wants. Your baby needs the following from you:
Plenty of food — on demand at first, and at regular intervals later on
Love, cuddles, rocking, gentle touching, and the sound of your voice
Safety and security
Interaction that develops her language and stimulates her development
Consistent caregivers to help her develop trust and attachment
Proper medical care to keep her happy and healthy
Lots of diaper changes!
In contrast, here’s what your baby or toddler wants from you:
You, you, you, every minute of every day and — as the old Beatles’ song goes — “eight days a week.”
Lots of inappropriate stuff — like your permission to stick her finger in a light socket or put the cat in the toilet — especially in those first months of toddlerhood, when she discovers the amazing wonders of the world around her.
Power
Power is simply the ability to change what someone else does, and politicians and movie villains aren’t the only power-mad people. The average tot is quite able — and very willing — to use her power when she desires control over Mommy or Daddy.
Everything else her little heart desires — right now!
Do you see a lot of overlap between the preceding wants and needs lists? Nope. Yet loving parents often worry so much about upsetting their children that they give into every demand, no matter how unreasonable. As a result, they keep their little ones from finding the boundaries all children seek: the line where their parents say “No” and the rules their parents really care about.
Of course, your child can get what he wants — he just can’t get what he wants every time, and some of his demands will simply be unreasonable. When he’s 6 years old, for instance, he’ll want the fad toy that costs a fortune and breaks on the first day. At 10, he’ll beg for junk food every day. And when he’s 16, he’ll want you to buy him a brand-new sports car you can’t afford.
You know parents who give in to all of their kids’ demands, whether they’re sensible wishes or not. These kids scream for candy in the grocery store and have ear-splitting tantrums on the playground when they don’t win every game. They stay up till 2 a.m. watching television and then struggle through school half-asleep the next day. Somewhere along the line, their parents find out the hard way that children actually crave and need limits. A kid whose every wish is granted keeps pushing and expanding his demands, always seeking the line his parents never draw.
When you draw that line, you give your child a gift that’s second only to love: guidance. And coupled with your love, this guidance tells him you’ll keep him safe and sound. A child whose Mom and Dad set loving limits learns early to have reasonable expectations and be very happy when they’re met.
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For Dummies is a registered trademark of Wiley Publishing, Inc. in the United States and other countries. Used here by license.