Dealing with Divorce and Separation Washington DC

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Pick Up and Drop off Times

One of the most emotionally stressful times for a child is when aparent arrives to pick up or to drop off a child. Children are aware ofthe tension between the parents: they have experienced the shock andsadness too and may feel insecure about further conflict and tension.

To help support children, you can give them advance notice of anychanges, show up on time and as planned. This gives children a sense ofsecurity - they can know and trust what will happen next. Keep to thearrangements as children can easily feel rejected and confused byunexplained failure to arrive or be dropped off at the expected time.

Practical tips for visits

• Visits are not times for parents to check up on each other or attempt to negotiate contentious issues. Children need to be able to go between both households without being questioned about what is happening in the other. Children will naturally want to talk about the other parent – but should not be ‘pumped’ for information. This distresses a child.
• Children need access to both parents therefore helping contact visits remain positive and stress free assists in relieving further grief to the child.
• It is better not to move children between households too close to their bedtime. Nor is it beneficial to the child to start out on an activity or outing the minute they arrive or return. Allow children to settle and adjust.
• Children may sometimes show distress in one form or other upon returning from seeing or staying with the other parent. The distress is usually real and a calm, empathic response will help children work out their own way of coping with their parent’s separation. Active listening allows the space for children to tell you in their own way what is going on, if they are aware of it and then to begin to work through it themselves.

Different Environments

Parents do not need to provide duplicate environments for theirchildren concerning rules of behavior etc. On the other hand just aswhen both parents lived together it is important to reach broadagreement on matters of child rearing practices. It is not uncommon forthere to be disagreements between parents about what is good or safefor children or other child rearing issues. Effectively finding ways tosupport children through working together will benefit theiradjustment. Give each other time to settle before trying to negotiatechanges.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents,we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not takeadvantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parentsteaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to eachother

Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.

I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.

Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.

You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our lifedearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developingconfidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

Read article at SixtySecondParent.com

Briley Philip L Phd

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7700 Old Branch
Clinton, MD