Are you struggling with a deteriorating relationship with your teenager? Are you trying to be nice to them, while they continue to be verbally abusive, disrespectful and demanding? Let's look at some parenting mistakes and then discuss simple rules to eliminate these and bring about remarkable change.
When teenagers fall into a pattern of disrespect, anger, ugliness and demanding, it's important to acknowledge that this is a pattern - not situational or an occasional ugly moment; it becomes a rather consistent and predictable response. When it has become a pattern, it's essential to recognize it as such, and to change your strategy.
It is part of the pattern: you try to be nice when they treat your poorly. The only time they are reasonably nice to you is when they want something from you. If you ask anything of them, you just get attitude and disrespect.
Do you feel like you're working day in and day out to try to promote a healthy, cooperative atmosphere? The problem is that the more you work harder than they do, the more this creates a license for them to abuse you.
If you treated others the way your teenager is treating you, what would they do? Would they keep being nice? Would they keep working hard to make things work? Would they keep driving you to work, or going out to dinner? No! The biggest mistake is a failure to teach your teens about reality.
Stop it. Take a different approach, one that will consistently and predictably turn around a deteriorating relationship. Let them know that what's been happening looks nothing like reality. When they've been ugly and disrespectful, you've tried to be nice; you've tried to negotiate with them; you've tried to convince them to treat you better.
You're not going to do that anymore. It's time to get real. Let your kids know that you're going to start living in reality, and that you're going to walk away from behaviors such as disrespect, ugly language, criticism, complaints, whining, demanding, crankiness and anything similar.
When shopping for a blouse for her, your teenage daughter starts complaining about your choices. You put down the top, and walk out of the store. No discussion. Just walk away. When you stop by Friendly's, your son complains he wants to go to McDonald's. Pick up your pocketbook and walk out. Leave him sitting there. When he comes to the car, simply drive home. No McDonald's. No Friendly's.
At home, your daughter is grumpy before she even gets out of her bedroom. Rather than trying to be sweet and nice, simply walk away.
Your son comes home from school, you greet him with a warm hello. You get a snarling response. Just walk in the other direction.
You're trying to have a discussion about soccer practice. All you get is a grunt. You ask a second question, you get another grunt. Walk away.
When I suggest that you walk away from their ugliness, I am suggesting that you do this without emotional attachment. It's like a radio station that you don't want to listen to. You just walk out of the room or tune to another station.
Any healthy individual walks away from disrespect. Healthy employers fire people who talk that way. Healthy professors refuse to work with students who are grumpy. Most of the world will walk away from ugly behavior. You need to let your kids know that you'll do that - and then do it.
Resonate with the level of interest they show in relating to you. When they don't want a conversation, don't try to force one. When they don't want to be in the room with you, don't be. When they don't like the place that you're shopping for them, walk out.
However, when they show interest, you show interest. When they ask a question, gladly respond. When they say hi, you say hi.
This is in keeping with reality, and your kids need this sort of reality-based training in order to be more prepared for real life.
The benefit? Test it and see what happens. See if your child doesn't come around more often, or if they aren't more interested in initiating conversations. When it does come time to have a serious moment, notice if they aren't more receptive to your input.
You can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect and mutual investment in the relationship. Stop working harder than they are, and disengage when it is ugly. And - calmly and persistently - be ready to resonate with their growing interest in you and relating to you. It will come.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His Web site,
www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.