MEN HAVE AN UNDENIABLY STRONG ATTRACTION TO WOMEN
When I began my research into gender issues, I talked to many men who are deeply involved in the men’s movement. For the most part, the participants of the discussion groups are great guys, and they have given lots of intelligent thought to some very deep issues. It occurred to me as I learned more about these men that in one very special way, they are different from their mirror image, feminists. One of the most famous quotations attributed to Gloria Steinem and still seen today on T-shirts is “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Now, not all feminists see men as useless, but for many years the women’s movement was not kind to our gender. What I noticed about the men’s movement, in contrast, is that men love women. They genuinely, deeply, passionately think women are wonderful creatures. Okay, of course some of the guys don’t like one particular woman (like an ex-wife), but generally they are intrigued by women and relish the role that women play in their lives. Maybe men like women because they never really detach from their mothers; maybe they like women because pheromones unconsciously stimulate attraction. Probably, men have a biological imperative to reproduce, and seeking out women may be nature’s way of perpetuating the species. I’ve heard it argued that individuals sense the parts of another’s DNA chain that complements what is missing in their own. I’ve read texts that say we seek that which we were unable to obtain from our parents during our formative years. I give up tying to figure it out. But take it from a man who has made a career of listening to what men say about women: Women have a mesmerizing effect on men. That’s why you may worry when your husband goes away on a business trip and why you sometimes watch to see if his eyes follow a beautiful woman as she walks past. He can’t help being attracted to women— women are magnets to a man’s nature. So why not use this undeniable allure to your advantage! Don’t forget that especially as a married woman, you still have power over him—if you choose to use it. You can still charm your husband into supporting your interests by appealing to his own need to feel connected to you, his beloved wife whom he wants to please and to have as his happy partner forever. This is one strategy that Michelle uses all the time with her husband, Rod. Michelle knows she can get things that matter to her by making Rod feel important and valued and, yes, sexy. For example, let’s say Michelle wants to spend the evening with her girlfriend, but worries that Rod might not like being left behind. She doesn’t see Rod’s needs as signs of any deep character flaw. She’s smart enough to know that the only reason he would feel that way would be if he thought she cared more about her girlfriends than she cares about him. That’s what makes a guy feel slighted, she rightly assumes, not the evening out with a friend. So to meet his need to know he’s important to her, she’ll use something she knows will ease his mind—her femininity. Before she goes out, she’ll spend some undistracted time with
Rod. She’ll sit by his side and tell him something positive: “I loved the way you looked in that new suit today—very handsome.” Or perhaps say something sexy that will give him a reason to look forward to her return later in the evening—not in a manipulative way, but in a sincere and loving way. A woman can soften the rough exterior of her husband’s persona—and ultimately get exactly what she is looking for in her marriage—simply by being a woman. There is no shame in paying attention to what your man needs and wants to get happy! Using your feminine side is one more way you can nurture his nature. A happily married woman is one who loves her man for who he is—not for who she wants him to be. Most will tell you that doing this is not always easy—but still worth the effort. “There are times when my husband’s view of life is different from mine,” admits forty-three-year-old Marsha, “but when that happens, I have to remind myself that he’s probably thinking the same thing about the way I view life, and that helps me put things in perspective. It’s taken me time, but I’ve finally come to accept that the way he does things is not necessarily wrong, just different.” In the next chapter, we’ll continue this discussion. Now that you know what a man’s nature is all about, you can more easily nurture his needs—and make sure that he understands yours as well!
Sharing a Secret “Something . . . Causes Our Eyes to Be Drawn to Women”
I was having an argument with my wife over why guys look at other women even when they are happy with the person they are with. My wife believes we as people have full control over whom and what we look at. It’s my belief that men don’t. We as guys have something inside, either chemically or instinctively, that causes our eyes to be drawn to women even if we are in love with someone else. —Harry, 25, married 3 years
The Do Less Lesson When you better understand the male and female mind and heart, you can do less pleading, yelling, and arguing; less complaining, worrying, and banging your head against the wall. When you stop trying to do it all, pick up his slack, make things even in all ways, and get him to do things the “right” way, you can spend more time laughing, hugging, and raising kids who see that Mom and Dad sure are different, but balance each other such that they can both thrive and be happy. In fact, you may come to the point where you don’t see your husband’s actions as shortcomings at all, but rather as expressions of otherness that attracted you to your guy in the first place. To do less today, consider that lots of husbands tell me that they back off of parenting and household work because their wives criticize the way they do things. The critical approach doesn’t seem to be working out for either wives or husbands, so I have a different proposal: give your guy another chance to let you do less today. Ask him to watch the kids for an hour or pick up groceries from the store or throw in a load of laundry. Then sit back and let him do it his own male way—no matter how wrong it may look to you, say nothing except “Thanks.” In the end, he may not perform the task as well as you would, but hey— at least it’s done. He’s doing more; you’re doing less. And that’s bound to make you happy.
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