Sibling Rivalry Washington DC

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Do your children fight? Is it driving you nuts? Sibling rivalry iscommon and very normal. It can be very distressing and exhausting forparents. Believe it or not, sibling rivalry does have benefits for yourchildren. Disagreements teach children how to resolve differences,learn problem solving skills, and recognize acceptable and unacceptableways to express themselves. Parents can help decrease the amount ofsibling rivalry by spending time alone with each child, avoidingcomparing children, and teaching children positive ways to expressfeelings.

Here are some ways to help your children live with each other:

• Teach them that it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to be physically angry and hurt others. Angry feelings are normal and children need to learn how to express them with their words. Teach them to say to their siblings, “I feel angry and sad when you take my toy away from me.”
• If children are physically fighting, place them in time-out (separately) until they calm down. When they have settled down, have your children sit with each other. Help them to work it out. If you feel they are able to, have them say what they will do differently next time.
• Do not assume the child doing the hitting is at fault. Children are masters at pushing each other's buttons. Be aware of what might have gone on before hand. Although it is never okay to hit, the "victim'"may have been teasing the "hitter" for many hours.
• If the children are bickering, try to remain calm and stay out of your children's argument. Ignore the arguing if you can. Leave the room or have them continue their argument away from you. Often children can settle their own arguments, which is a great skill for them to learn.
• If the arguing is too loud or rough to ignore, separate the children for 30 to 60 minutes. You might say, "Since you can't play without fighting, you both have to play by yourselves." Then send each child to a different part of the house. No TV or computer allowed during this time as this is rewarding behavior you want to change. After a break from each other, they will hopefully be better playmates.
• Most of the time, it is best to not try to find out who started the fight since this means parents have to decide who is the "good guy" and who is the "bad guy." Doing this tends to cause more arguing between children and with you.
• Praise your children when they play well together. Children love to receive praise, and this will encourage them to play well together. You might say, "I like the way you are sharing your toys with each other."
• Try to identify times of the day that seem to be worse for arguing. If bath time results in battles, maybe a period of separate bathing should be considered.   
• Avoid spanking your children when they hit or fight. It confuses children to tell them that they can't hit when you correct them by hitting. Hitting children may teach them to hit others and might cause them to fight more.
• Try to spend time alone with each child. Sometimes sibling rivalry is a result of children trying to get your attention. Giving them positive attention may help solve this.
• Avoid comparing your children with each other. This can be hard if your second or third child is a real challenge. Saying things like, "Your sister always keeps her room clean why can't you?" will only cause resentment between siblings. A child who is constantly being reminded of the good behavior of another child is certainly going to do his best to bring that child down a peg or two.

Parent Tip

Jane mother of 4 children aged 6, 4, 2 and 1. I am in the throesof grappling with this one with my second and third child, both boys. They are born on the same day two years apart.  When the boys turnedabout 2 and 4 things got a bit ugly.  Mr. four-year old was reallyjealous of Mr. two-year old and wouldn't share, let him play, andargued with everything he said.  He was generally really mean to him,although he has a lovely nature and plays beautifully with his oldersister and adores his baby brother.  All his anger was directed at thebrother just beneath him.  Well I have tried everything, modeling theappropriate behavior, songs (hah), stories, ignoring, time-out,separating them, placing them together and nothing has worked.  Onlyjust the other day, I said to my husband that we are just going to tellour four-year old that he is going to have a great day  - that we knowhe will use kind words, share nicely, play happily, be caring andloving to everyone.  Every time he did something lovely especially tohis younger brother, we would say, "See we knew you were going to havea wonderful day," and we would really play it up saying how happy wewere and how proud we were of him. So far we are up to five days ofwonderfulness and tonight 4-year old said, " 2-year old can come intomy bed and listen to my bedtime story."  Will wonders never cease?  Wewill continue with our wonderful days praise.

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Briley Philip L Phd

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