MEN HAVE TROUBLE VERBALIZING LOVE AND REGRET

Men are raised on such life lessons as “Talk is cheap. Action is key.” This kind of training, combined with the male’s brain circuitry, sets up the male of the species to be a creature of action rather than words. Certainly, men can learn to verbalize their feelings and to respond better to the feelings of others, but such behavior doesn’t come naturally. Part of the brain bridge that connects the right (emotional interpretation) and left (verbal exactitude) sides of the brain is less developed in men than in women. This doesn’t mean that a man’s right brain is weak. He can still apply intuitive and emotional thinking skills that help him solve problems through hunches. His left brain is also working fine, so his linear, logical, and sequential skills are in full gear. The problem is that this structural difference may make it harder for him to use both lobes of the brain at the same time. When pressured to speak, men default to their dominant left lobe—the side controlling literal, not emotional content. Researchers in the area of gender communication express it this way: Men talk to report, whereas women talk to build rapport.3 Knowing this puts you in a better position to understand that the way your man expresses love and regret will be different from the way that you do. Then you can lovingly help him to appreciate what you are looking for from him; why you need to hear those words and how he can say them without giving up his manhood. (Those how-tos will also be explored in the next chapter and in Chapter Four’s discussion of how to communicate with your man.)

A Woman’s Way: With Words
You may be surprised to hear that any human being needs lessons on how to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry.” You, with your more highly developed ability to put your emotions into words, probably feel very comfortable and confident with both of these expressions. But if your husband is like so many of the men who come to my office and who write to me on my Web site, he is going to be far less able than you to express these emotions verbally. Let’s start with expressions of love. It is very likely that you tell your husband how much you love him with words that sound like this: “I love you.” That’s easy for you to say. Remember, you have more nerve cells in the left half of the brain where language is processed. And with your more fully developed pathways between the two brain hemispheres, you are better able integrate information from the logical (left) brain with the intuitive (right) brain. For a lot of men I know, however, it’s really difficult for those words to pass from their lips in a manner that does not seem to them forced or phony. It’s often a response that they feel has been demanded and extracted from them like a sore tooth, and the words are difficult to enunciate. No kidding. Some men get hot and flushed, tongue-tied, and clumsy with their lips when they feel coerced to say these words: “OK, I looove you. I love yooo. Sure, I luv ya.” All kinds of weird sounds come out in a rush. Some husbands will tell you that— if they are honest. Meanwhile, you, far more than your guy, are both biologically and culturally reared to seek intimate connection. You, with your need to feel connected in a relationship, may talk with him about the events of the day. You, with your desire for connection, may sit staring into his eyes as you linger over a cup of coffee. You, with your romantic spirit, may arrange for a starry-eyed dinner with wine and dim lighting. Unfortunately, he may not think to do any of those things to express his love for you. In the same way, when it comes to saying “I’m sorry,” you will usually do this the easy way by simply saying so. But many men will not. Communication expert Deborah Tannen points to a primary reason why these words are sometimes freely given by women but withheld by men. She has found that women often use the phrase “I’m sorry” in a complementary fashion. If a woman wishes an apology from a female friend, then she knows that sometimes she has to extend an olive branch first. Her friend recognizes the wish for reconciliation and responds in kind. Recognizing that women talk to build rapport, Tannen sees mutual apology between women as totally natural. So when a woman turns to a man and expects an apology, particularly if she offers one herself, she’s often shocked, disappointed, and confused about why her man is too stubborn to offer the same in return. But spend a few moments in a man’s frame of mind, and you may understand why this is so.

A Man’s Way: With Action
Besides the general difficulty that many males have making the right brain talk with the left brain so that they can access both emotion and language at the same time, there is another reason that they tend to avoid such phrases as “I love you” and “I’m sorry.” It is because of a heartfelt belief that talk is cheap. “What good does it do to say these things?” they reason. “It doesn’t change a thing.” “Anyone who feels that way should show it, not talk about it.” Spoken like a man. Saying “I’m sorry” “or “I love you” just seems like an easy way out for men, and they won’t insult you by even trying. But don’t lose hope. Your husband may be expressing his emotions in ways that you haven’t been hearing. They won’t come from his mouth. They will come from his actions. He may not often say the word “love,” but look for romantic expressions in the things he does for you. When he fills up your car’s gas tank or picks up your clothes at the cleaners or cooks you a meal, he may be doing these things to show his love for you. Instead of sitting down and talking with you about feelings, he may see his hard work as a source of support and a gift to you. Romantic? Not by a woman’s standards, but to many men, doing things for their wives is what love is all about. “I’m sorry” is often expressed in similar ways. After you have an argument with your husband over something that is obviously his fault, instead of waiting for the words “I’m sorry,” watch for the message in his actions. You may see him quietly

Sharing a Secret “A Man of Few Words”
My husband is a man of few words and sometimes that drives me crazy. But I have found that I deal with that part of his personality much better when I remember that even though he says few words, they are usually carefully chosen and therefore hold more intent and substance than I initially realize. —Susan, second marriage of 10 years polishing your car or emptying the dishwasher. Doing something for you may be his way of expressing regret. In fact, saying “I’m sorry” can be a much harder challenge for some men than saying “I love you.” For men, talk (like so many interactions) is about hierarchy and one-upmanship. So when a man apologizes, he doesn’t look at it as a way of bonding (as a female does); he looks at it as losing stature. Take it from me: for a guy, that’s major. You may be tempted at this point to say, “Grow up!” But I’m not here to reform men. I’m just here to explain them. Suffice it to say that one reason some men won’t apologize is that they don’t want to feel like less of a man—even though they are sorry. One couple who was recently talking to me about infertility issues illustrated this method of apology. George didn’t want to see a specialist; Loretta did. After a heated discussion, it became abundantly clear how hurt Loretta was by George’s stone-cold refusal and how important this life step was to her. He never said he was sorry, but the next morning, when she went off to work, he called the fertility doctor and scheduled an appointment. Loretta was touched by George’s actions and told him so: “I’m sorry for the cruel things I said to you last night,” she said as soon as he told her what he had done. “Thank you for understanding.” And then to herself she added, “and because you made that phone call today, I know that you’re sorry too.” If Loretta continues to notice when George speaks his heart through his actions, without insisting that he say the words “I’m sorry,” it won’t be long before he realizes that apologizing is not a painful or shameful thing. And when that happens, he’ll start to open up and begin to verbalize those words of love and regret. Before you can get your guy to speak his heart to melt your own, try to see his feelings of love and regret, accept this method of expressing emotions, and let him know that you understand the message.

MEN NEED TO PROTECT THEIR FAMILIES
Throughout the history of humankind, males have been assigned the role of protector. Men are generally bigger and stronger than their wives (not always, but usually). They have put their lives on the line to keep their family members safe. Modern-day men still feel the primal pull to be the brave defender, but without a grizzly bear threatening at the door, they must find other ways to “save” the family; at the very least, they need to have some control in the family dynamic. In generations past, the man’s role as head of the family was unchallenged. One of the benefits of this unquestioned status was the respect it accorded the man. But in modern marriages, this role is less pronounced. Women have stepped up and found that they are generally quite capable of running the house and making important family decisions too—resulting in an equal partnership. But in this equal partnership, what happens to the man’s ingrained need to protect and defend? Sometimes it gets in the way of marital harmony— unless you can understand where all that male stubbornness and obstinacy is coming from. This confusion over the difference between protecting and getting in the way is especially common in the home, which the female often views as her domain. If you put the vase of fresh flowers on the kitchen counter and your husband moves it to the dining room table, would you be annoyed? If you want to use freshly grated parmesan cheese for your dinner party and your husband suggests the ready-made cheap stuff instead, would you overrule him? Most women would because they tend to control domestic issues. So how then can a woman keep the peace in her home by letting her man have some control in the family dynamic? In many homes this need simply goes unmet, and the men find themselves staying longer and longer at work, where they have that sense of power and control. But in homes where the insightful wife is willing to occasionally grin and bear it, happiness is her reward. Let’s consider the family dynamic of Larry and Diana, for example. Larry would often throw in a load of laundry to help his wife. But he soon learned that he did not do it the way Diana would do it (by choosing the correct water temperature, pretreating soils, and separating permanent press from cottons). So he started staying away from the laundry room. “Why bother going to the effort if it’s not going to make her happy anyway?” he asked me. My wife tells me that there certainly is a right and a wrong way to do the laundry. And although Diana was right, she’s also a smart woman who knows how to get what she wants. When she saw Larry backing away from the laundry pile, she realized that her criticism had worked against her and made him feel incompetent. She remembered the lesson about men needing acknowledgment and began to praise Larry’s efforts and give him hugs of thanks. Then she eased into laundry lessons to help him help her. That way she didn’t extinguish Larry’s need to help his family and (even worse for her) lose the possibility of getting the help around the house that she would like. And what about Juan and Anna? Juan calls his wife every night before leaving the office and asks if there is anything she needs from the store that he might pick up for her on the way home. Some days it’s a loaf of bread or half gallon of milk; other days it might be an onion or a tomato. When he first started picking up a few things, he often arrived home with items that Anna wouldn’t have purchased: white bread instead of wheat, whole milk instead of skim, red onion instead of white, and perhaps a hard, unripe tomato. But Anna quickly learned that when Juan asked what she wanted from the store, she could get it by being very specific. Being a straightforward kind of guy, Juan was happy to know exactly what his wife wanted—allowing him the joy of providing for her needs. And then there’s Evan and Natasha. Evan wants to be a good father to his newborn son, but sometimes he’s worried that he’s an inept parent. Natasha noticed that he felt this way most often when his own mother came to visit. In her need to make sure that the baby was properly cared for, the new grandma would hover over Evan as he held the infant, saying such things as, “Be careful. That’s not how you hold a baby. You’re going to hurt him. Hold his head more firmly and a bit higher up.” This tore at Natasha’s heart. Her mother-in-law was right, but the look on Evan’s face when he thought that his incompetence might hurt his own son—the child he needed to protect more than anything else in life—was something she couldn’t just ignore. Natasha told me that on the day her mother-in-law commented about the proper way to hold the baby, Natasha stepped in and gently repositioned the baby in Evan’s arms and then smiled at him, praising him for loving his son so much that she could see it in his eyes. “I don’t want Evan ever to feel that he isn’t a good dad and provider, and I certainly don’t want him to stop helping me because he thinks he does it wrong. We’re both new at this, and although I do think I have better natural instincts as a parent, I know that I can’t push Evan away without hurting him deeply. He needs to be a part of our son’s life, and I’m going to patiently show him how.” With wives like Diana, Anna, and Natasha, these men are given opportunities to protect their families and keep them safe. I have no doubt that this is why they describe themselves as happily married men, why they speak so kindly about their wives, and why they will not disconnect from their families and wives by pulling away emotionally and absorbing themselves in their work, hobbies, or computer games as so many unhappily married men do. It’s in a man’s nature to look for ways to protect his family. In these modern and less dangerous times, happily married women recognize and acknowledge the many, often inconsequential and even unhelpful attempts their men make to be involved, important, and manly.

Guyness Quotient Quiz
How Would Your Guy Answer?
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions.

MEN NEED TO BE RIGHT AND IN CONTROL
The competitive drive ingrained in males over millennia has pushed them to achieve and triumph. It also is the reason they will fight to win an argument and won’t easily back down if they think they are right (and sometimes even when they know they’re not!). Part of this is hormone related. We know that it’s testosterone that makes men aggressive, and men have a lot of it, more than women. In addition, the hormone vasopressin (the male version of oxytocin, which is associated with feelings of attachment) promotes territoriality. It’s one of the reasons men are more inclined to “stake a claim” about arguments of fact. This aspect of the male’s nature seemed to be causing turmoil in the household of a couple I had been seeing for several months. These middle-aged parents of a teenage boy arrived at my office one day barely talking to each other. As the story unfolded I learned that it was time for their son to choose a sport at school, and, as fate would have it, he just wasn’t a natural athlete. Dad thought that his son should join the golf team because golf would combine definable goals with a feeling of teamwork. Mom, however, sided with her son, who preferred weightlifting. This wasn’t just a disagreement; this was a disagreement! What made this particular discussion so intense was that in the past, Tim had rarely ever vetoed his wife’s parenting decisions. But now, according to Debra, he wouldn’t listen to reason. So which sport did their son sign up for? I’ll get to that. But first let’s talk about why it was so important for Tim to make

REMEMBER
THIS It’s All About Knowing Your Man
Writer Jonathan Alter crafted a very moving story for Newsweek about his experience with cancer. Describing the days after his diagnosis of lymphoma, he said: By this time I was in mental free fall. Friends later said I handled it courageously, but they were wrong. American culture rewards cheerful stoicism, a quality that cancer patients usually display in public but find difficult to sustain in private, especially at the beginning. I collapsed in tears only briefly, but retreated into a fog of unshakable misery. My detachment alarmed Emily, who wisely resisted many well-intentioned efforts by family and friends to coddle me. She understood that their instinct to be protective was making me into a weaker person than I needed to be. So she lovingly but firmly pushed me back into some semblance of normal life. “Get off the Internet and get back to your real work!” she insisted on more than one occasion.5 Isn’t it beautiful how his wife knows him well enough to figure out how to get through to him and how to improve their lives through her actions and words? That’s what marital happiness is all about. a stand this time. Most men I talk to say that they don’t really care all that much about many of the things their wives do. Their wives will show them color samples for the living room wall, and they’ll shrug and barely respond. Men tell me that they’ll be asked about what teacher their child should pick for kindergarten, and they’ll . . . well . . . shrug and barely respond. You get the idea. There are many things that guys simply don’t care about. But there are many things they do care about, and when a man has a strong attachment to an idea, he becomes possessive about it and is willing to fight to have his position accepted. Men tend to separate out the emotional from the logical and sequential aspects of an issue. So when they register a “fact,” they are not as likely as women to see that information as open to discussion. With less gray matter and more white fibers channeling brain cells to each other, men see things very clearly from one point of view—theirs. So how did Tim and Debra settle things? Well, in this particular case, this dad was not going to concede his choice. When Debra realized how important it was to her husband to steer their son toward a more social sport and how determined he was to have his way, she was willing to concede, for the sake of marital unity, that there was value in her husband’s point of view. “My husband knows sports; he knows our son; and he needs me to trust him on this. So that’s what I’m going to do,” she told me, and then added, with that knowing smile that I’ve seen on so many wise women, “I guess I owe him this one.”

Sharing a Secret
“Accept Your Husband as He Is”
Either wives have unrealistically high expectations or husbands are just lug nuts. Maybe it’s a little of both. :-) But the bottom line is: If you want to be happy in your marriage, accept your husband as he is because he is not going to change fundamentally nor should he. Do not make him feel like a failure because he cannot live up to your expectations. Decide from the start that not only will you not be disappointed, but you will be happy and celebrate who he is and the way he is different from you. —Mara, 47, married 28 years

MEN NEED ACTION
Caitlin is married to a guy who can’t sit still—but this isn’t a problem for her. “Gosh no,” she says with a wonderfully hearty laugh. “When Derek can’t get rid of his pent-up energy, I can feel the tension in the house. I’d much rather have him get out and blow off some steam with his friends. When he comes home, he’s so much more relaxed. That’s good for both of us.” Some men do have an inborn need to be active. In general, men have greater muscle mass than women and are more likely to use physical activity to express their inner world and to relieve anxiety. For instance, we know that boys are ten times more likely than girls to be hyperactive. We recognize that boys have lower attention spans than girls in the school Know Your Husband 35 yard, and are more prone to play with action-oriented toys.6 Now that he’s grown from boy to man, your husband’s need to move hasn’t disappeared. That’s probably why men, more often than women, are involved in such physical activities as playing on baseball, softball, or basketball leagues, coaching Little League teams, or working out at the gym. (Yes, women do these things too, but not as many of them and not as often as men.) Wives can easily misinterpret this need to get out of the house as a need to get away from them, which leads to marital friction. But wives like Caitlin, who have men who are driven to get up and get going, don’t try to tame that inner Tasmanian Devil, but rather support that aspect of their husbands’ nature and reap the benefits—of which there are many. When a man has an opportunity to be physically active, He’s focused. When your husband can be physically involved in something, he is able to better exercise those powers of concentration that males are known for, and thereby to reduce his level of inner tension. That’s why men particularly like physical activities that are goal oriented, structured, and linear—think of baseball and golf, or even household jobs like building a new fence, chopping firewood, or doing any constructive project that requires both physical movement and single-minded focus. He’s creative. When a man can move in space, he opens his body and his mind to the world in ways that are unpredictable and new. By experiencing changes in his bodily sensation and, especially where outside activity is concerned, by exposing himself to sights and sounds of the environment, your husband is more open to new ideas, less rigid, and more creative

REMEMBER THIS
His Marriage May Save His Life
Guys do love action—sometimes to the extreme. The male-only Y chromosome causes the brain of the fetal male to grow extra dopamine neurons. These nerve cells, involved in reward and motivation, propel boys toward thrill seeking behaviors, and their extra dose of testosterone feeds their sense of fearlessness and adventure. A study of preschoolers at a zoo found that the boys were about twice as likely as the girls to pet a burro, ride an elephant, climb a steep hill, or walk on the narrow ledge. Any mother raising a young boy knows all about this “fearless gene.” Unfortunately for harried wives, this recklessness in males continues through every stage of development. Males, far more than females, participate in such extreme sports as deep-sea diving, ice climbing, parachuting, and downhill mountain bike racing.9 Men are far less likely than women to fasten their seat belts when driving, and are more often the ones who will speed, tailgate, and refuse to yield. And (not surprisingly) men are far more likely to die from accidental injury.11 But again, you have the ability to make your guy a better man. Studies show that men who are married have much lower incidents of reckless driving, DUIs, speeding, and accidents. He’s learning. Most men are more apt to learn about things by getting physically involved with them. That’s one reason they aren’t inclined to reach for an instruction booklet when they get a new power tool. First, a guy will test it out, try it on a few things, and, when he begins to run into a roadblock, then (and only then) he’ll unfold the directions. Being physically active is how men learn about the world and their place in it. If being active is an important part of your man’s nature, you can see why making small changes to accommodate his passion for movement would be a good idea—and you can work it so that you get more of what you want at the same time. In fact, you can actually build emotional connection by joining in. Let’s say you’ve planned this coming weekend so that you and your husband can clean out the hall closet and then research used-car prices for your teenage daughter. There’s nothing there that would nurture your hubby’s need to get out and do something physical. So in the interest of improving the happiness quotient in your marriage, you might figure out a way to encourage your husband to get to work on that closet so that the two of you will have time to exercise, fish, hike, bike, play tennis, explore museums, or whatever you can think of that requires physical movement and not too much talk. Routinely spending time together outside the house is fun (with or without kids in tow) and provides good soil for emotional roots to grow. It’s worth rushing through those “mustc01. do” tasks on your weekend agenda in order to put the drudgery of domestic life behind you both for a little while. On other occasions, you might even want to send him out to get his fill of activity without you. Although spending time in the great outdoors (or on the tennis court or at rock climbing in the gym) with your husband is good for your marriage, there are some times when you don’t have to join in—in fact, your husband might even prefer that you don’t. Men need to play. And, despite the non-PC nature of it, sometimes it’s just more fun when women aren’t around. I like to go to tournaments for a card game called “Magic, the Gathering.” I enjoy cross-country skiing. I don’t think I’d mind if Susan chose to join me in my playtime, but, truth be known, I’m extremely self-absorbed and competitive, so I know that doing these things as a couple would not be that much fun for either of us. When my wife gives me space to ski or play Magic alone, I feel better, perform better, and am more relaxed and physically fit. And happier.

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